Posts Tagged morons

I want to kick Jesus in the nuts!

I am royally pissed off right now. I mean seriously pissed. Back in 2008 I came out as an atheist. I fully expected some friends or family to have a hissy-fit, but the idea that there would be workplace ramifications never entered my mind. In my place of employment, that kind of crap is kept outside. All that matters is what kind of code I write and how I manage my team. Apparently that’s not the case for everyone.

My very good friend, who I shall call “Fucked by Jesus” or FBJ for short, was recently outed at work as being an atheist. Her place of employment is rather saturated with love of the lord, but it’s a huge organization with lots of public scrutiny, so while I expected to hear about some discomfort from the petty whisperings of narrow-minded theistic co-workers, I didn’t expect to hear about a full-blown attack being perpetrated against FBJ by the organization itself. Her internet access has been cut off, TweetDeck and iTunes uninstalled from her PC, her shit rifled through and they moved her to a new cubicle. No idea if that was to bring her closer to Jesus or what.

In the interest of fairness, if there is a policy against having applications like TweetDeck or iTunes installed, then they are legally within their rights to remove them. But I’ll bet you the price of a new bible that there are other, god-loving employees there with those applications installed who haven’t been touched.

This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I suspect that it is even illegal. She is being subjected to an extremely hostile work environment due solely to her religions preferences (or lack thereof). I think the ACLU needs to get involved. This kind of shit shouldn’t be happening in the 21st century. I thought the Inquisitions became passe after the Dark Ages. WTF?

Hang tough, girl! You’ve got the entire atheist community behind you on this one. No one fucks with the CyberLizard’s friends. I’ve got a whole pack of chupacabras just waiting to be unleashed on their asses. Just say the word.

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Is Rush Limpdick really this fucktarded?

Rush Limpdick is a racist fucktard

Rush Limpdick is a racist fucktard

Rush Limbaugh, the right-wing radio heavyweight declared on his program Wednesday that the United States needed to return to racially segregated buses.

Referring to an incident in which a white student was beaten by black students on a bus, Limbaugh said: “I think the guy’s wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that’s the lesson we’re being taught here today. Kid shouldn’t have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses — it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama’s America.”

A full transcript of Limbaugh’s comments on his radio show is available at

via Raw Story

At what point are all the reasonable people going to stand up to the disgusting racist feces being slung about by the “conservative” movement? The mainstream media needs to get off their collective arses and expose this shit for what it is: racist, violent and morally wrong. Quit hiding behind the guise of “balance”. Sometimes the other side is just plain wrong!

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It’s a good thing I’m not a teacher in Seminole County, because they would fire the hell out of me if they caught wind of my blog. I mean, if all it took for John Wolfe to get fired is to drop the f-bomb a few times and sound a little depressed on his LiveJournal, they’d probably stone me to fucking death.

Allow me to summarize the situation: Boy graduates from college. Boy has crappy job as waiter that he bitches a little about on blog. Boy gets job as teacher. School fires boy after 5 days for aforementioned blog.

WTF? I could understand it if he were talking about wanting to get it on with students or fantasizing about burning down the school, but unless there is a whole lot more shit on his blog than what is featured here, I can’t imagine how they can legally fire him. I know Florida is a right-to-work state and all, but c’mon!

From the article on the local Fox affiliate web site:

But district leaders say its really quite simple. They said that he crossed an ethical line, and for that, he must be terminated.

Wolfe has never had his own classroom. He has been a substitute teacher in Orange and Alachua Counties up until Lake Mary High School hired him this summer as a Television and Film teacher.

Just five days into the job, a few of his students stumbled across his personal online blog.

Read excerpts from Wolfe’s blog  >>>

After reading it, they told another teacher who reported it to district leaders who decided that Wolfe’s language and thoughts were inappropriate behavior for a teacher.

Let’s see, what horrific things did Wolfe talk about?

  • The lack of morality in major corporations and how they screw people
  • A tongue-in-cheek letter to Jesus asking for help with a job application
  • Some punk rock lyrics
  • How he had classes with some dude who later went psycho on campus and got arrested
  • His feelings of depression and his efforts to thwart it
  • An apology for being rude to someone earlier in the day
  • Oh, and he used the word fuck and shit like that

Yeah, it seems simple to me, now, too. It would be completely unethical to let this guy teach our children Film and Television. Fucktards.

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Gov. Crist makes god put up a force field

According to Gov. Charlie Crist of Florida, we’ve been spared from the hurricanes because he stuffed a little piece of paper in a hole in a wall. Of course, it requires the wall to be in Jerusalem and the paper has to have a prayer on it to get direct action from god. In this case, god responded by putting up a force field around Florida to protect the nation’s wang from the mean old storms.

See? Here’s the latest one bouncing off of the invisible sky daddy’s power:

Danny misses FL and heads towards New England, as god wanted

Danny misses FL and heads towards New England, as god intended.

I mean, how could there be any other explanation? Either no one has previously prayed for hurricanes to miss Florida or else god just really likes Crist. I’ll bet god said, “Fuck the prayers from people in other states, I’m gonna protect Florida ’cause Charlie is such a good guy!”

Charlie is quite the modest one, though, despite his influence over an omnipotent supreme being:

[Crist] said he’s not taking credit for the lack of storms in this hurricane-prone state.

“I give that to God,” Crist said. “But it’s nice.”

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What kind of idiot walks into an open manhole while texting?

I asked myself that question when I first heard about this. Geez, talk about stupid.

Fast forward to today. I’m on a family trip to Disney. Walking through the park the idea strikes me that it would be fun to tweet what’s happening. No need to stop, I can tweet on the go. I was going at a pretty good clip, too, when an evil pole jumped in my path. Running into a waist-high pole at approximately 3mph is not a pleasant experience. My first thought was, “oh shit, didn’t Houdini die from an unexpected blow to the gut?”

The internal bleeding has probably slowed to a trickle by now. I’ll save the pics until the bruise really starts to ripen and look impressive.

So I found out what kind of idiot walks into open manholes (or silver poles) while texting. Me.


Now that's impressive!

Now that's impressive!

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If I were in charge, I’d fire Pat Buchanan

I am still amazed at the depths of racism in this country. One of the best side effects of electing Barack Obama is that the GOP has decided to finally reveal itself as what it truly is: a bunch of racist rednecks, drunk on power, incapable of recognizing reality even if she sat on their face and wiggled. What kind of person can hire Pat Buchanan and still look at themselves in the mirror? He’s always been a douchebag, but now he just comes right out and admits that he’s a racist. Here’s a sample of his eloquence:

White men were 100% of the people that wrote the Constitution, 100% of the people that signed the Declaration of Independence, 100% of the people who died at Gettysburg and Vicksburg, probably close to 100% of the people who died at Normandy. This has been a country built basically by white folks, who were 90% of the nation in 1960 when I was growing up and the other 10% were African-Americans who had been discriminated against. That’s why.

Watch Rachel not give an inch to this fucking moron.

Rachel, you’re a better person than I am to not try to reach through the monitor and rip is fucking head off.

ht: Atheist Revolution

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Apparently we’re all supposed to be trembling in our boots because delusional prophet theistard David Wilkerson thinks that bad stuff is about to happen. He’s written an AN URGENT MESSAGE:

I am compelled by the Holy Spirit to send out an urgent message to all on our mailing list, and to friends and to bishops we have met all over the world.


For ten years I have been warning about a thousand fires coming to New York City. It will engulf the whole megaplex, including areas of New Jersey and Connecticut. Major cities all across America will experience riots and blazing fires—such as we saw in Watts, Los Angeles, years ago.

There will be riots and fires in cities worldwide. There will be looting—including Times Square, New York City.

[The caps are all his. Seriously]

Oh noes! New York City is going to burn! And New Jersey! Wait, is destroying New Jersey a bad thing? Anyway, this whackaloon is spouting his doomsday premonitions like the archetypical loony standing on a street corner with a sandwich board raving about the coming destruction. This would be mildly amusing, perhaps even a little sad, except that people are believing him! This incredibly gullible reporter (and I use the term extremely loosely) for the World Nut Daily, Janet Porter, is telling the world to HEED WILKERSON’S MESSAGE! Because he’s already gotten it right once before:

In the fall of 2001, Pastor David Wilkerson, of Times Square Church in New York City, was warned by God that a calamity was coming. For six weeks they felt an intense burden and enormous heaviness. A critical need for intercession was so profound that Pastor Wilkerson canceled everything on the church calendar – mission’s conferences, youth events and every guest speaker.

For six weeks, there wasn’t a sermon. Instead, there was intercession for our nation with weeping and repentance. They knew something was coming and that something was bad. And that something was soon. So they prayed. And prayed … and prayed.

Then Wilkerson felt God telling him something that seemed rather bizarre. He felt God telling him to make sandwiches – lots of sandwiches. What were they for? Who would eat them? That part wasn’t clear, but his church did what they believed God was telling them anyway.

And on the 10th of September they stayed up all night making hundreds and hundreds of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. By morning they had about 2,000 sandwiches. At 8:46 a.m. the first plane hit the World Trade Center and Times Square Church was ready to feed and minister to rescue workers and victims of our nation’s worst attack.

What an impressive display of god’s power: to be aware of an attack on an innocent city by terrorists that would kill around 3,000 people, and he warns one loony preacher to make fucking sandwiches. Come on, is that the best you can do? Really?

So I have to check this out. I mean, something this retarded amazing, it’s got to be all over the intertubes, right? Yup, this story is burning up the forums of the end-timers, rapture-watchers and other assorted and sundry evangelicals. What I was really looking for was confirmation of the sandwich story. Turns out, there isn’t any. Wilkerson has nothing about it, the church has nothing about it. At least the usually gullible end-timers have been burned by prophesy enough to be at least a little bit skeptical. Paul Grabill, Lead Pastor of State College Assembly of God, State College, PA actually contacted the chuch for confirmation.

Update: I called Times Square Church (since there was nothing on the website). Everything in the World Net story is true, except the most sensational element–they did not make sandwiches before the fact; they made them after the fact. Rather than take down this post, I figured this clarification would be helpful to all. I’m still praying about what, if anything, I might say on Sunday. I had a stirring on Monday about it, and I’ll probably go with my gut

Prophesy FAIL! There’s a big difference between providing food for 9/11 workers after the attacks and claiming that you had foreknowledge of it and prepared ahead of time. Either Janet Porter is a fracking liar (which wouldn’t surprise me, considering she writes for the WND) or else she’s just passing on other lying shitheads’ stories with out bothering to do the bare minimum of looking for even the slightest bit of confirmation. Either way, it makes for a big old JOURNALISM FAIL. But that really goes without saying. After all, we’re talking about the WorldNutDaily.

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Who hasn’t done this?

From the Orlando Sentinel:

An Orlando man faces two counts of exposure of sexual organs, accused of twice driving through the Lake Jesup toll plaza on State Road 417 with his pants pulled down and his genitals exposed.

Michael John McDonnell, 39, was arrested this morning at his residence. According to an arrest affidavit, he is a delivery driver for beer distributor Wayne Densch Inc. in Sanford.

Seminole County deputy sheriffs were called to the toll plaza in the early morning hours of last Wednesday after a toll collector went to hand a motorist change and saw that he was exposing himself. The toll collector told deputies the same thing happened Oct. 9 and at the time she warned him never to come through her lane like that again, Deputy Nelson Pitre wrote in the arrest report.

Maybe he was just trying to get a discount. After all, this particular toll is $2. Can’t blame a guy for tryin’, can ya’?

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Boy Suspended For Sporting Rayhawk

Now this is just plain stupid [emphasis mine]:

TAMPA — The Rayhawk, a trend ever since Tampa Bay Rays players starting sporting them, has gotten a 12-year-old boy an in-school suspension.

“I was surprised. It’s just a hairdo, really nothing, just a hairdo,” said Zach Sharples, an honor student at Lincoln Middle in Manatee County.

Sharples said he must stay under in-school suspension until he changes the haircut or grows it out.

Boy, this must be some harido. I mean, it must be dangerous or something to cause them to suspend an honor student. What did administrators have to say?

…a representative for the school district said it is outlined in the dress code — no distracting hairstyles.

This thing must be bright purple with sparklers in it and stand two feet high to be distracting. This is Jr. High after all. So let’s take a look:

OMG!!!!!!111!!11!eleventy-one!1 I can’t concentrate! My synapses are failing! Must…not…look…at…hair…

Seriously? Distracting? WTF?!?

Actually, come to think of it, this is bringing back memories. When I was in elementary school, oh, about 25 years ago, a kid dared to come to school with a mohawk. The uproar was incredible. We couldn’t stop talking about it. For about a day. After that, it was like, meh. Administrators flipped out then too. Forced the kid to wear a hood till it grew out. It’s nice to know we’ve made such advancements in 25 years.

I just thought of something else for administrators to ban at the school: Marines! I mean, how different is that mohawk from a Marine’s “high and tight”?Sad, sad, sad. I can’t believe our armed forces are allowing such distractions. What if there’s a war? Our soldiers might be gawking at hairdos rather than killing the enemy. We need to get these brave school administrators and put them in the Marines to combat this kind of distraction. Our troops deserve the best.

I don’t have to worry about hairstyles. This is what happened to me after reading the article:

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HOA’s can go to hell

You might remember this post wherein the future of my garden is threatened by my neighborhood’s Home Owners Association. You might also remember my carefully worded and researched reply. I hadn’t heard anything in response and, being very ADHD and somewhat passive-aggressive, I didn’t follow up on it. No news is good news, as they say. Well, I finally got news. Just as Fay was starting to really blow, we discovered our upstairs window was leaking. As we were frantically moving bookshelves and pulling up carpet and trying to stem the flood, the postal carrier pulls into our driveway to deliver a certified letter. From our HOA.

In short, they decided to forward the matter to their attorney. “With no positive response to previous notice, the Board has no other option except to proceed with legal action.” So either my response was not “positive” enough or they didn’t give a shit about what I had to say. Naturally, I felt it necessary to respond:

Dear Board of Directors:

We were very disappointed to receive the Final Notice of Violation dated August 19, 2008. Especially disturbing was the statement that no positive response had been sent with regard to the prior notice. Apparently the letter attached to emails sent to the board members and the hardcopy mailed to the [management company] office did not count as positive response. Perhaps we do not understand the bureaucratic processes of home owners associations.

We are attaching a copy of the previous letter we sent in response. Furthermore, a hard copy has been sent out the the address listed above via certified mail, return receipt requested. We hope that this will constitute sufficient response to the violations. If any further information is needed, please do not hesitate to contact us. We are very interested in working with the board to resolve this matter.

Now here’s where my expectations came crashing into reality. What I expected was a dialog between reasonable parties where the issue could be discussed and resolved in a professional manner, even if the boards decision went against me. In my original response, I included reasonable questions requesting clarifications on the rules and advice on how to best follow them in the event the board did not see fit to rule in my favor. What I received was something much different:

I for one live on the street as this vegetable garden and it is a sight. It keeps getting bigger and bigger and looks terrrible. She can build a fence even though she is on a corner lot. I say we stick to the no vegetable gardens and if you are considering changing this, drive by and have a look yourself. It will change your mind. This is my thought

Now, a home owners association is a quasi-legal organization with the authority to file liens on your home and even to initiate foreclosure. The board of directors act as the representatives of this body and, indeed, of all the members of the community. That a member of the board would feel that this was an appropriate response to a reasonable discussion of policy came a quite a shock. In addition to the factual errors (the garden hasn’t grown since it was established, unless you count the growing of the plants) the attitude just blew my mind. After the shock came anger. Much anger. Darth Vader-type anger. If I could have force-choked this individual, I probably would have. While I despise bureaucracy, I have an appreciation for the niceties and formalities that generally accompany legal proceedings. I would expect this kind of reply in a blogs comments section or on some internet forum. Coming from one of the leaders of an organization that, quite literally, could force me out of my home was disgusting.

At this point, the representative of the management company that our HOA hired to handle all the paperwork and act as enforcer decided to throw in her $0.02:

They have received 3 notices and they haven’t removed the vegetable garden. What more needs to be discussed?

This person has no role on the board, has no decision-making authority and has absolutely no business interfering in a discussion between the board and a resident. At least that’s my opinion. Besides which, she was completely incorrect. We did respond and have been trying to engage the board in a dialog. Which they apparently are steadfastly trying to avoid.

Fortunately, not all the members of the board are such small-minded individuals. Later, another member offered their take. While well-meaning, it was full of fallacies that I will address in-line below.

I did read your letter that you sent, you did respond,

Good of you to notice. You’d think that maybe this could be relayed to the guard dogs that the board hires to do its dirty work.

I believe the notice is referring to the action that needs to happen. It clearly states as you have noted that vegetable gardens are not allowed in the neighborhood unless properly contained.

No shit, why do you think I was writing a response?

I can totally appreciate where you are coming from in your letter, growing your own produce is very beneficial, I myself do it, but it is contained in pots on the back porch and in a tiny fenced area in the back of the home displayed neatly. I have driven and walked by your home on several occasions and recognized your vegetation as an eye sore. Tomato bushes in general grow rather wildly, the manner in which you have planted them is the problem.

So in other words, tomato plants are ugly and shouldn’t be planted in a Square Foot Garden, only in “tiny fenced areas” because that’s how you like them.

The wood enclosure which surrounds the plants looks bad and the location that you choose is random.

Two things wrong here: the wood enclosures are cedar planks used for the siding of houses. They form a border 8″ high around the square beds. Not exactly a hideous bit of landscaping. And their location was FAR from random. The two beds are exactly 36″ apart and stand 36″ from the nearest landscaping, to allow for the passage of the lawn mower. They were placed on the south side of my house which recieves direct sunlight all day long.

It is obvious that you have a green thumb and I think that is great, speaking for myself I would not like for you to tear them up, just move them and make it look neat. I know you have a patio just off of your slider, why not plant the vegetation to the left of that patio and put some PVC 12″ fencing around it with some trellising? We have a long weekend ahead of us, maybe this could be a project for you.

Nice thought, but that location is in perpetual shadow and is so waterlogged that the only thing that will grow there are swamp plants. There’s about an hour a day that the sun can penetrate most of the back yard. The south side is the only viable location.

I think your property would look a lot nicer is you chose to take my advice, I am not sure what the other Board members might think about your garden because quite honestly we haven’t discussed it.

In retrospect, this part bothers me more than anything else. The association documents outline a process for handling violations that includes the right of the homeowner to respond and seek relief. What’s the fucking point of allowing a response if you’re not even going to address it?

I do wish you well, I hope my response has helped, feel free to contact me again. My intent is not to hurt any feelings, just to be honest and helpful, constructive criticism, I hope you see it this way.

I don’t give a shit about hurt feelings or how you hope I see it. What I see is an HOA BOD with a disregard for its residents and a rigid mindset that says that the only attractive yard is one that looks like theirs; i.e. chemical-drenched St. Augustine grass and landscaping completely unsuited to the Florida climate that can only be maintained by regular chemical applications and the waste of thousands of gallons of water. I see a board with no concept of professionalism and apparently with poor reading comprehension skills, since they didn’t address my clearly worded questions.

Well, as per my standard response to all bureaucratic and authoritarian bullshit, fuck ’em. Unfortunately, this attitude can result in even more financial problems that I really don’t need right now. I don’t have the time or energy to fight this kind of crap. I’m dealing with a combination of stupidity, small mindedness and apathy. The amount of shit I’d have to go through to get these people out, assuming that the rest of the neighborhood isn’t populated with the same type of people, is just too much right now. I’ve got a wife and two kids and a stressful job. Gardening used to be an outlet for my stress, a form of meditation. Guess I’ll have to get back on the cushion, ’cause the garden has gone bye-bye.

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